Generally? Today sucked.

[lady_flamewing]

I cried today. The first time in a long time that's happened. And the first time ever that it was because of a boy.

I've never cried over a heartache before. But, then again, maybe I've never really known what a heartache was before. Because I don't think I've ever loved anyone as much as I loved him.

Love, in the present tense, is probably more accurate. And that's what got me into trouble. I finally worked up the nerve to tell him that I still love him, had never stopped loving him, and all I got was "I'm sorry".

He's got a new girlfriend now. That hurts, too, but not as much as I thought it might. It's more the thought that no matter how much he said he loved me, I was that easy to let go.

Managed to hold myself together until I got home. Played off that everything was all right on the trip home with Karen. Took about 5 steps into my house and burst into tears. Felt like my heart had been broken. Literally. My ribs ached.

I'm okay now, I think. Or maybe I'm just pretending, like always. I never can really tell. I've always been better at reading other people than myself.

All I know is that I wanted to be happy. That's all. I was never happier than when I was with him, and now, through my own fucking fault, I'll never have that again. I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him. I'm such an idiot. Now I never will.

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[gith-chained.livejournal.com]

Never, ever, say never...
Please.

~Sansei
P.S.: If you ever want to talk about it, or need somone to listen, I'll be there.